Play the REF song lyric game….

As I’m in the middle of marking and the thought of sticking chips in ketchup up me nose seems like a good idea right now, I started thinking about how you can replace key words in songs with “REF”.

 

For example, take the 90s anthem of mediocrity “Return of the Mac” by someone whose name I have repressed. I’ve changed “Mac” to “REF”. It doesn’t actually change the song in any way and, at the same time, is almost like this pop wannabe foretold the appearance of the REF nearly 20 years before it occurred:

 

Oooooh, come on, ooh yeah

 

Well I tried to tell you so (yes I did),

But I guess you didn’t know,

As the saddest story goes,

Baby, now I got the flow,

‘Cause I know it from the start,

Baby, when you broke my heart,

That I had to come again,

And show you that I’m with.

 

You lied to me,

All those times I said that I loved you,

You lied to me,

Yes, I tried, yes, I tried,

You lied to me,

Even though you know I’d die for you,

You lied to me,

Yes, I cried, yes, I cried.

 

Return of the REF,

It is,

Return of the REF,

Come on,

Return of the REF,

Oh, my god,

You know that I’ll be back,

Here I am.

 

 

Return of the REF,

Once again,

Return of the REF,

Top of the world,

Return of the REF,

Watch my flow,

You know that I’ll be back,

Here I go.

 

So, I’m back up in the game,

(Running things like my swing),

Lettin’ all the people know,

That I’m back to run the show,

Cause what they didn’t know was wrong,

And all the nasty things you’ve done,

So, baby, listen carefully,

While I sing my comeback song.

 

You lied to me,

Cause she said she’d never turn on me,

You lied to me,

But you did, but you did,

You lied to me,

All this pain you said I’d never feel,

You lied to me,

But I do, but I do do do.

 

Return of the REF,

It is,

Return of the REF,

Hold on,

Return of the REF,

Don’t you know,

You know that I’ll be back,

Return of the REF,

Oh, little girl,

Return of the REF,

Once more girl,

Return of the REF,

Up and down,

You know that I’ll be back (round and round).

 

Ahhhhhh SuperStarTM

Stop worrying about your big break

 

You lied to me,

Cause he said she’d never turn on me,

You lied to me,

But you did, but you did,

You lied to me,

All this pain you said I’d never feel

You lied to me,

But I do, but I do do do

 

Return of the REF.

 

 

See, there are some aspects that are rather spookily accurate…..

Don’t underestimate the usefulness of trained monkeys….or dogs in student feedback

I have decided that rather than spending the next three weeks dutifully marking essays and providing feedback, which most students don’t even read, I am spending the time training my dog to do the task.

Last year, she contributed her own comments to some exam scripts, as evidenced by several dirty paw marks. Her general view was that they were of low quality, and this was evidenced by her trying to paw them under the sofa.

So, I think this is a promising start. She can recognise dirge when she sees it; I just need to get her to recognise the rare pink unicorn when it comes along. Given that this happens so rarely I don’t think I need be overly concerned.

Now, if only she could answer the inevitable emails I get once the marks are released complaining about how I have failed to recognise their genius and can I remark their essay…..

It’s ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

There comes a point when work just HAS to take a back seat. Such as when dead grant applications grow legs and crawl out from under the chaos that is the mess of the home office. Now, bearing in mind that I believe that the floor is legitimate stacking space, there does come a point when the % of walking space is less than everything stacked on the floor. And I was starting to feel like my mind was being reflected back at me in the chaos of my living room floor. So, rather than putting in a full days work today, I took a couple of hours off to tidy up at home.

And, my god, I have a DESK. I had been wondering this past month what those legs where sticking out from underneath the piles of papers. I guess that’s what my phone, PC and stacks and stacks of memos have been sat on all this time. And, I apparently have 3 laptops [all with cases], a tablet, 5 “experiment notebooks” [To Boss: All Half Full, can’t comment on quality, but given that we’re already under the kosh of REF2020, it’s quantity that matters], three lava lamps, four pairs of crocs from Lidls, and 20 stats books that all say exactly the same thing. Those are, however, to be expected in the academic’s home office. What was a surprise was the hoover…..

 

Blogger’s revenge

I am greatly amused when spammers accidentally tick “notify me of new posts” and then spam me asking how to stop it.

 

I believe this is known as “blogger’s revenge”.

Glasgow residents, you have my sympathy

Hosting the Commonwealth Games is only ever a great idea for people who don’t live in the city.

Glasgwegians living at opposite sides of the city have had to endure what can only be described as “carpet bombing” many nights between 11pm and midnight. No, the Israeli’s aren’t bombing them, and it isn’t Russia downing Easyjet planes.

It is fireworks.

But these aren’t your ordinary fireworks. These are like living in the middle of Gaza. Like being under constant shelling. They don’t go whistle and bang. They explode like a nuclear detonation and can be heard miles away.

The first night it happened, the opening ceremony at 11.30pm, residents 10 miles away thought that there was a thunderstorm at first, although it didn’t quite sound right. Then they thought a plane had crashed or bombs were going off. Then, because in typical Glaswegian fashion, those that live in Glasgow couldn’t care less about the Games, had an inkling that there might be some big event going on.

But, seriously. One night it was midnight when they went off. And, secondly, what happened to a simple Catherine Wheel? Do residents really have to feel like they are being carpet bombed?

Never mind having to spend a couple of weeks avoiding most of Glasgow because the buses are full, and late, and there are no taxis, and the shops are hot and sweaty and heaving. No, we need to wake up several million people with a nuclear strike.

Clive Myrie…Fuck you!

Dear Clive Myrie

A quick note from Scotland.

We Scots find it offensive when you state that Scotland only has a few days of summer each year, which were last week, and now it is Autumn. This is just the typical type of parochial thinking that we’ve come to expect from twats like you from London. Fuck off back there before the Glasgwegians get you outside the stadium.

Of course, because of your parochial thinking, which is shared by the rest of the London knobs at the BBC, you are blind to the fact that everyone outside the UK thinks that it rains constantly in England/London too. Why do you think that 300 miles means that London and Glasgow have such drastically different weather.

Fuck you.

And good luck getting home tonight.

PS, your incessant drivelling on about bugger all is seriously annoying. Go back to reading the auto-cue.

Dear to-be-mother, we require more notice of your delivery date

Those Sugar Puffs are dangerous! I nearly choked on them again this morning when a spokesperson for the College of Midwives announced, in reference to emergency closures of maternity wards, that this does happen because people require their services with very little notice

HILARIOUS!

If there is one thing that has a long notice period – in fact, NINE MONTHS – it would be going into labour.

If you can’t plan with that kind of notice no wonder the NHS is going to hell in a hand basket

Spammer fuck up

Word Pressers!

I received a clear case of mistaken “select all, copy and paste” from a spammer today, whereby they accidentally typed every variation of the vague positive comments they post. If you’re looking for key words to block these knobs, take a look below. I have to say, I’ve seen PhD theses shorter than this:

 

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did, the {internet|net|web} will be {much more|a lot more} useful than ever before.|
I {couldn’t|could not} {resist|refrain from} commenting.

{Very well|Perfectly|Well|Exceptionally well} written!|
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{Superb|Exceptional|Outstanding|Excellent} Blog!|
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Any way keep up wrinting.|
{I love|I really like|I enjoy|I like|Everyone loves} what
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{Terrific|Wonderful|Great|Fantastic|Outstanding|Exceptional|Superb|Excellent} blog and {wonderful|terrific|brilliant|amazing|great|excellent|fantastic|outstanding|superb} {style and design|design and style|design}.|
{I love|I really like|I enjoy|I like|Everyone loves} what you guys {are|are usually|tend to be} up too.
{This sort of|This type of|Such|This kind of} clever work and {exposure|coverage|reporting}!
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I had to ask!|
{Howdy|Hi there|Hi|Hey there|Hello|Hey} would you mind letting me
know which {webhost|hosting company|web host} you’re {utilizing|working with|using}?
I’ve loaded your blog in 3 {completely different|different} {internet
browsers|web browsers|browsers} and I must say this blog loads a lot
{quicker|faster} then most. Can you {suggest|recommend} a good
{internet hosting|web hosting|hosting} provider at a {honest|reasonable|fair} price?

{Thanks a lot|Kudos|Cheers|Thank you|Many thanks|Thanks}, I appreciate it!|
{I love|I really like|I like|Everyone loves} it {when people|when individuals|when folks|whenever people} {come together|get together} and share {opinions|thoughts|views|ideas}.
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Look advanced to {far|more} added agreeable from you!
{By the way|However}, how {can|could} we communicate?|
{Howdy|Hi there|Hey there|Hello|Hey} just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
The {text|words} in your {content|post|article}
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I’m not sure if this is a {format|formatting} issue or something to
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let you know. The {style and design|design and
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thanks|Thanks}|
This is a topic {that is|that’s|which is} {close to|near to} my
heart… {Cheers|Many thanks|Best wishes|Take care|Thank you}!
{Where|Exactly where} are your contact details though?|
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as compared to {books|textbooks}, as I found this {article|post|piece of writing|paragraph} at this {website|web site|site|web page}.|
Does your {site|website|blog} have a contact page?

I’m having {a tough time|problems|trouble} locating it but,
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I’ve got some {creative ideas|recommendations|suggestions|ideas} for your blog you might be interested in hearing.

Either way, great {site|website|blog} and I look forward to seeing it {develop|improve|expand|grow} over time.|
{Hola|Hey there|Hi|Hello|Greetings}! I’ve been {following|reading} your
{site|web site|website|weblog|blog} for {a long time|a while|some time} now and finally
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Greetings from {Idaho|Carolina|Ohio|Colorado|Florida|Los angeles|California}!
I’m {bored to tears|bored to death|bored} at work so I decided to {check out|browse} your {site|website|blog}
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You {seem|appear} {to understand|to know|to grasp} {so much|a lot}
{approximately|about} this, {like you|such as you} wrote the {book|e-book|guide|ebook|e book} in it or something.

{I think|I feel|I believe} {that you|that you simply|that you just} {could|can} do with {some|a few} {%|p.c.|percent} to {force|pressure|drive|power} the
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{A great|An excellent|A fantastic} read. {I’ll|I will} {definitely|certainly} be
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I visited {multiple|many|several|various} {websites|sites|web sites|web pages|blogs} {but|except|however} the audio {quality|feature} for audio songs
{current|present|existing} at this {website|web site|site|web
page} is {really|actually|in fact|truly|genuinely} {marvelous|wonderful|excellent|fabulous|superb}.|
{Howdy|Hi there|Hi|Hello}, i read your blog {occasionally|from time to
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you get a lot of spam {comments|responses|feedback|remarks}?
If so how do you {prevent|reduce|stop|protect against}
it, any plugin or anything you can {advise|suggest|recommend}?

I get so much lately it’s driving me {mad|insane|crazy}
so any {assistance|help|support} is very much appreciated.|
Greetings! {Very helpful|Very useful} advice {within this|in this particular}
{article|post}! {It is the|It’s the} little changes {that
make|which will make|that produce|that will make} {the biggest|the largest|the greatest|the most
important|the most significant} changes. {Thanks a lot|Thanks|Many thanks} for sharing!|
{I really|I truly|I seriously|I absolutely} love {your blog|your site|your website}..
{Very nice|Excellent|Pleasant|Great} colors & theme. Did you {create|develop|make|build} {this
website|this site|this web site|this amazing site} yourself?
Please reply back as I’m {looking to|trying to|planning to|wanting to|hoping to|attempting to} create {my
own|my very own|my own personal} {blog|website|site}
and {would like to|want to|would love to} {know|learn|find out} where you got this
from or {what the|exactly what the|just what the} theme {is called|is named}.
{Thanks|Many thanks|Thank you|Cheers|Appreciate it|Kudos}!|
{Hi there|Hello there|Howdy}! This {post|article|blog post} {couldn’t|could not} be written {any
better|much better}! {Reading through|Looking at|Going through|Looking
through} this {post|article} reminds me of my previous roommate!
He {always|constantly|continually} kept {talking about|preaching about} this.
{I will|I’ll|I am going to|I most certainly will} {forward|send} {this article|this information|this post} to him.

{Pretty sure|Fairly certain} {he will|he’ll|he’s going to} {have a good|have a very good|have a great} read.
{Thank you for|Thanks for|Many thanks for|I appreciate you for} sharing!|
{Wow|Whoa|Incredible|Amazing}! This blog looks {exactly|just} like
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{Excellent|Wonderful|Great|Outstanding|Superb} choice of colors!|
{There is|There’s} {definately|certainly} {a lot to|a great deal to} {know about|learn about|find out about} this {subject|topic|issue}.
{I like|I love|I really like} {all the|all of
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{You made|You’ve made|You have made} some {decent|good|really good} points there.

I {looked|checked} {on the internet|on the web|on the net} {for more info|for more information|to find out more|to learn more|for additional information} about the issue and found
{most individuals|most people} will go along with your views on {this website|this site|this web site}.|
{Hi|Hello|Hi there|What’s up}, I {log on to|check|read} your {new stuff|blogs|blog} {regularly|like
every week|daily|on a regular basis}. Your {story-telling|writing|humoristic} style is
{awesome|witty}, keep {doing what you’re doing|up the good work|it up}!|
I {simply|just} {could not|couldn’t} {leave|depart|go
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Is {going to|gonna} be {back|again} {frequently|regularly|incessantly|steadily|ceaselessly|often|continuously} {in order to|to}
{check up on|check out|inspect|investigate cross-check} new posts|
{I wanted|I needed|I want to|I need to} to thank you for this {great|excellent|fantastic|wonderful|good|very good} read!!
I {definitely|certainly|absolutely} {enjoyed|loved} every {little bit
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favorite} {to check out|to look at} new {stuff
you|things you} post…|
{Hi|Hello|Hi there|What’s up}, just wanted to {mention|say|tell you}, I
{enjoyed|liked|loved} this {article|post|blog post}. It was {inspiring|funny|practical|helpful}.
Keep on posting!|
I {{leave|drop|{write|create}} a {comment|leave a response}|drop a {comment|leave a response}|{comment|leave a
response}} {each time|when|whenever} I {appreciate|like|especially enjoy} a {post|article} on a {site|{blog|website}|site|website} or {I have|if I have} something
to {add|contribute|valuable to contribute} {to the discussion|to the conversation}.
{It is|Usually it is|Usually it’s|It’s} {a result of|triggered by|caused by} the {passion|fire|sincerness} {communicated|displayed} in the {post|article} I {read|looked at|browsed}.
And {on|after} this {post|article} The power of emotional avoidance | FlippinNora.
I {{was|was actually} moved|{was|was actually} excited} enough to {drop|{leave|drop|{write|create}}|post} a {thought|{comment|{comment|leave a
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{Is it|Could it be} {just|only|simply} me or {do|does it {seem|appear|give the impression|look|look as
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{coming from|written by|left by} brain dead {people|visitors|folks|individuals}? 😛 And, if you are {posting|writing} {on|at} {other|additional} {sites|social sites|online sites|online social sites|places}, {I’d|I would} like to
{follow|keep up with} {you|{anything|everything}
{new|fresh} you have to post}. {Could|Would} you {list|make a list} {all|every one|the
complete urls} of {your|all your} {social|communal|community|public|shared} {pages|sites} like your {twitter feed, Facebook page or
linkedin profile|linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed|Facebook page,
twitter feed, or linkedin profile}?|
{Hi there|Hello}, I enjoy reading {all of|through} your {article|post|article post}.
I {like|wanted} to write a little comment to support you.|
I {always|constantly|every time} spent my half an hour to
read this {blog|weblog|webpage|website|web site}’s {articles|posts|articles or reviews|content} {everyday|daily|every day|all the time} along with a {cup|mug} of coffee.|
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As much as I love you T in the Park I’m glad you’re moving

I love that Scotland has a music festival like T in the Park.

I also love that it is only once a year, and will love it even more next year when it’s moved.

My complaint: the traffic and the knobs driving.

The “official” route from Glasgow is up the A977, which for those of you who are not acquainted with this dear little road, is what I like to call “lorry hell”. It is completely unsuitable for sending people down. They would be better going over the Forth Road Bridge and up the M80. I can guarantee you it will be faster. The A977 is a single carriage way with very few overtaking spaces, filled with lorries and tractors, and twats driving Jags at 40mph. It is a nightmare the best of times.

In anticipation, whoever it is that decides these things, had put in restritctions for the WEDNESDAY through MONDAY. Seems a bit excessive for something that starts on Friday and ends on Sunday. One of the joys is miles and miles of 30 mph roads. At least the legion of VW vans circa 1973 will be ok, then.

And the twats, despite being told not to, block the entire motorway service stations for the entire period, that is at Kinross, because they’ve got their Aunt Agnus and Uncle Bob to drop them off. Even though they aren’t suppose to.

So, you can’t park in the service station, have a rest and get a coffee. Next best thing is the numerous lay-bys on the A977. But, oh no, because of twats parking there to drop people off they are manned by security. The residents along that road even have to have security outside their drive ways to stops these assholes from parking there.

Basically, if you are driving anywhere near Balado for best part of a week, you’re screwed.

No flippin’ wonder that the locals are pleased to see them go. Balado might be a honking big airfield but it has crap roads round it. There are better places to put it.

As per usual, many of these issues would not be issues if people where just kind and considerate drivers. And, of course, planning a festival for 80,000 somewhere that actually has the network capacity to host it. Picking somewhere that had a train station would be my tip.

So, purpose #1 of this post: vent rage. Purpose #2: allow would be T in the Parkers to realise that their knobbish behaviour does actually impact others (think of those poor people who live on that road!). Purpose #3: any would be T in the Parkers thinking of illegally parking their car or being dropped off outside of official sites, this is to let you know that the security guards have eyes like hawks and the polis are everywhere.

 

UPDATE: I’ve noticed some people googling where to get dropped off….so, you could chance it at Kinross service station but be warned that it is probably being patrolled by security and you’ll get booted out pretty quick without dropping your passengers off. There is nowhere either side for miles that isn’t patrolled. And the police will also be out in force. If you don’t want an encounter with a very angry large security bloke and your car to get dinged by twats in cars older than yer ma’ my recommendation is to use the official drop of points. You are warned.

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