Katy Perry’s School Report Card

Devastated, just devastated. DEVASTATED. DEVASTATED

What brings on this blatant misuse of capital letters, you wonder?

Has my house been repossessed? Despite the meagre 1% pay increase, no.

Have I accidentally burned down my house by leaving the bread in the toaster unattended….again.

No.

Has someone stolen Bessie….how I fondly refer to my car as, like a cow, she is a slow moving creature who doesn’t like hills….

I tell you, no.

Dead dog?

Don’t even go there….

No. The cause of my broken heart is Katy Perry’s Purr perfume. Gorgeous. But has the staying power of a Liberal Democrat higher education policy. One minute it’s there, next it’s gone.

As someone who is a bit deficient in most forms of sensory processing, I can normally rely on a keen sense of smell (how else do you think I knew about the forgotten toast). So, it is not surprising that my weakness is smelly things – perfumes, body lotions, shower gels, even fabric conditioners and washing up liquid (PS ASDA, rhubarb washing up liquid is an offence to the senses. I sentence you to 10 years in a Gulag). Some people collect shoes or handbags or jackets. Mine is perfume. One of many MANY weaknesses.

So, it is with great disappointment that I say to you, Ms Perry, you have a great nose, but obviously a very VERY short attention span. A+ for creativity, F for commitment (although, I think, you may have already known that last one). Please try harder.

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